Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
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Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
what kind of cook setting is this??
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
This is sending me to another galaxy
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord