The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
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Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?