How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
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It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
Why font matters.
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
I’m listening
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??