I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
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Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.