I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
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pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
What an awful time to have common sense.
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.