Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
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I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”