If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
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Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
All generalizations are stupid.
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
need a new bf mines broken 😐
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
I didn’t realize that was an option
This makes total sense…
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box