Maths meets science
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Not to brag but this cashier is checking me out.
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
Why is everyone getting married at me
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.