me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
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Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing