“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
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“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
Damn he played himself
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.