I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
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Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.