[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
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Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!