Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
You Might Also Like
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
Pot warmers of the day.
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say