How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
You Might Also Like
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?