Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
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When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
So many pants.
So little yoga.
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
I discovered my knee feels better if I take stairs at an angle. But now every time I walk down I have to sing Puttin’ on the Ritz.
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
Green is just blue that someone peed in