Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
You Might Also Like
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset