Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
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The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs