So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
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What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
“meet the 25 year old entrepreneur who is making tens of thousands a month” i dont want to do that. i want to hear about all of the people who are doing worse than me. i want to meet the 40 year old with no friends or prospects who is currently engulfed in flames
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up