[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
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Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.