“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
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My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!