Smile they said.
You Might Also Like
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.