Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
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I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
No Google it does not
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet