falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
You Might Also Like
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.