You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
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I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.