Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
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I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
I’m aging like a fine banana
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.