I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
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Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
I am a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
Digital security in Ancient Troy
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
How high do the levels go?
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
need him