INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
You Might Also Like
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.