Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
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*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
greetings!
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal