I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
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Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
when the buffet is more honest than your date
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
And now we wait
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”