Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
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REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
I am all good here, 😂😉
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
my name is luke but my friends dont call me