I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
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*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.