My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
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5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
I need better friends
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
A collection of me turning into random objects.