My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
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“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
@ candidates for local office
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.