“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
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barbara was highly relatable
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
A French press is when you hug naked
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare