*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
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Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
Breaking news:
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.