Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
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People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
But that’s none of my business
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*