I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
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“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.