What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
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“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.