Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
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[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*