Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
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I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
This meeting could have been a cake
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic