DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
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I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
oh my gosh!!
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
This kid will have a bright future.
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
Poetry is my passion
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
I get distracted pretty eas
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.