Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
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Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
Morning.
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest