Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
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Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.