At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
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Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
Bill is short for Billiam
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.