When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
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interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.