Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
You Might Also Like
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.
Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?