I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
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“Does my uniform make me look fat?”,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Insecurity guard……….
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?