If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
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put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
Me too 😆
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
My favorite sport ? Lasagna