If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
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She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
thanks auntie mary
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
me doing my best