[montage of me giving-up]
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With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
Employees must applaud the planets.
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.